The other day I was working with a
client (who is also a friend) on some court documents in a particularly nasty
divorce. It was wrought with the usual
vile accusations, lies and venom that normally occur in a civil dissolution, including, according to police records, the parent who was accusing the
other of child abuse, was the one who was actually under investigation for
those charges.
In the midst of this conversation,
I made an off-the-cuff remark: “It is unfortunate that they cannot
manufacture some sort of pre-nuptial prophylactic that could guard against
marriage. Divorce has to be the worst
kind of sexually transmitted disease.
The ONLY possible way to eliminate divorce is to end the institution of
marriage.”
After the requisite laughs, we
jokingly analyzed my spontaneous analogy.
We decided that it is indeed a virulent disease of pandemic proportions
for which treatment can cost as much as half of everything you have ever owned. And even with successful treatment, there is
no hope for a cure, you and your ex-spouse, along with any offspring, family,
friends, and even pets will suffer the effects, possibly for the rest of your
lives.
I don’t believe any scientist of
any ilk, could devise a methodology to remove the sexual instincts and
pleasures from humankind (and who would want them to?), and all of the cautions
evangelized by those who have been previously infected, will not keep some
episodes of attraction and lust from occasionally morphing into the dreaded “vowed
union.” The illogic of two-becoming-one is
the carcinogenic seed that will, in a majority of cases, metastasize from tiny
annoyances, inconvenient appeasements and minor personal exasperations into episodes
of ire, the onset of persistent revulsion and finally, to full-blown, stage-four
hatred.
Marriage is the cause of
divorce. People should only engage in and practice casual sex,
never allowing the simple act of sexual congress to influence the rationality
of their single life. If after the
passion and enjoyments of copulation, one finds your mind being influenced by imaginary
concepts of LOVE and FOREVER, you should immediately spring
from the deceptive embrace of your lover, shouting inventive pejoratives and
untruthful indictments until your once beloved mate declares their eternal abhorrence
of your mere existence. I know that this
sounds like drastic measures, but it will undoubtedly save the time, anguish
and untold thousands of dollars inevitably expended to construct and then dismantle
an ill-fated marriage. Remember,
Einstein got divorced. Do you think you're smarter than Einstein?
The only way to absolutely guarantee that you
will not contract a sexually transmitted disease is abstinence. In this case, abstain from marriage. Relationships with as many
partners as is possible is your best defense against the pain and embarrassment
of this devastating malady.
In the interest of safety, make your life's major decisions based on careful introspection, remember
to “wrap that rascal,” and keep your sex-life casual.
And to put the rumor-mill at ease,
this has nothing to do with Shirle and I (at least not this week J).
