Election Day! So what is the cost?

Well, it is finally Election Day.  I purposefully put off writing this until now; I just returned from the polling place in the quaint Village of Clyde and I assume all of you who are inclined to vote, have already voted.

I didn’t want to impose my political beliefs on you, but there is a huge dilemma that I have been pondering.  This has been like no other presidential campaign in modern history, in fact, as Greg Gutfeld said the other day, “This has been more painful than a prostate exam with unclipped finger nails.”

So here is my thought:  This election has been fraught with derisive personalities, rude accusations, and belittling comments hurled toward the electorate (you and me).  But the bottom line is that it is the ideology behind these two disliked candidates that will govern this nation.  In the next few hours, either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be named President Elect (although the election will not be over until January 6 when Congress counts the Electoral College votes).  In any event, one ideology is going to win out over the other.  But at what cost?

I invite each of you to set aside the aversion you feel for the other side and carefully consider the faults and criticisms of your own candidate.  What cost are you willing to expend to see your ideology win?  This is something we all have to answer over the next few years (or generations if you consider the Supreme Court).

So if you believe that half of the U.S. population is an irredeemable basket of ignorant deplorables, led by an unpolished, bigoted, sexual predator, hot-head bent on war, or that the Utopian promise of progressive liberalism will be as successful and effective here as it has been in Venezuela and that Secretary Clinton is above the law despite being steeped in decades of dishonesty and corruption, be prepared to pay the cost if your side wins.  

To See or Not to See

As Shakespeare said: 

To see or not to see

(or something like that) 

The week before I moved from Florida to North Carolina, I had my eyes checked and prescription updated.  Because it was convenient (and they had a sale on) I went to JC Penny’s and bought my glasses.  In the course of unpacking here in North Carolina, I set my glasses down and inadvertently picked up a pile of bubble wrap (and my glasses) and threw it away.  I went back to Penny’s where a rude optician said he could look in the computer and replicate what I had done in St. Petersburg (at full price of course).  When my new-new glasses arrived, they were in the wrong frame.  The grumpy optician said he would re-order the glasses and that I could keep the mistake until the replacement arrived.  (I never gave him back the mistake; he was just utterly rude.)

Some time passed by and I came to realize that my vision was again changing.  This time I went to Vision Works.  The glasses came in and I couldn’t see worth a damn.  I returned to the store wherein they told me that they were built to the script.  I went back to the doctor who agreed that they were the right prescription.  He rechecked my eyes and confirmed that I should be able to see fine.  I, in desperation, wrote the corporate headquarters and surprisingly received a phone call from the president of the company.  He asked me to again revisit the store on a particular date.  There a corporate optometrist took my glasses into the back and came out announcing that the frames contained two different lenses, both cut to the correct prescription, but due to the variance of their shape, that is the reason I was having trouble seeing.  I got new glasses and a total refund.

Time again passed and I decided to shun the drive all the way to Asheville and attempt my new glasses in my quaint adopted hometown of Waynesville.  I got a new prescription, had the glasses made at Walmart Vision Center, and guess what, I couldn’t see.  Back to the store, back to the doctor, the script was wrong, another new pair glasses (this is getting old -- hey, watch it -- I meant the routine).

The next script was pretty much uneventful, but that was the time that I realized I needed one pair of bi-focals to drive and a different pair to see the computer.  A real pain-in-the-butt switching glasses all the time, but at least they were right the first time.

Well a week-and-a-half ago, I went and had a new script made.  I dutifully waited the seven days for the glasses to be made.  I picked them up, and you guessed it, I can’t see.  Back to the store, back to the doctor, another script mistake, and my new lenses should be in by the end of next week.  What was that quote from Matthew 5:29?  Nah, I think I’ll wait for the newest replacement before I go plucking anything out.

David Kent

Don't you love the smell of early morning mountain air

As most of you know, I keep odd hours; I awaken very early in the morning and go to bed early at night.  I have often joked that I was born in the wrong time zone.  That being said, what most of you don’t know is that I do not use an alarm clock, and never have.  My body knows when it is time to awaken, and when I have important tasks at hand, my mind never goes fully asleep so that I won’t miss the needed morning hours of work. 

Last night I went to sleep knowing that I had an “overnight” job due in that needed to be completed very early in the morning.  I slept as peacefully as a mature man can.  (Don’t you hate middle-of-the-night pee breaks?)  My last interruption was about 2:30 am.  As I climbed back in bed, I recalculated how much time I needed to finish the job and figured a 4:00 am arousal would be fine.

From the depths of a deep REM sleep at about 3:30, all hell broke loose.  The dogs were barking and running through the house as if someone was here.  I couldn’t imagine I had missed the driveway alarm, but in the fog of sudden consciousness, I was uncertain if I had or hadn't heard a sound out on the deck.

Trying to shake off the last of my sleep, I grabbed the secreted machete from its hiding spot and headed towards the front door.  I threw on the outside lights to be sure there was no one standing in ambush as the dogs circled and barked at the unseen intruder.  Seeing no obvious danger, I opened the door to meet an odoriferous affront equaled only by a sun-baked platter of rancid meat served with a generous nose of Pont L'Eveque cheese in the quaint surrounds of an uncleaned dog kennel.

Yes, one of our Carolinian Pole Cats (How did Shakespeare put it?  “A skunk by any other name would smell as sweet.”) had traversed my property, and whether by merit of its defensive spray or its unrelenting residual fortification of odor, the trespasser had transformed the pleasant predawn mountain air into one of nature’s most offensive olfactory insults.

    

So how did your nose start the day: Perhaps some fragrant coffee (or tea) brewing, the aroma of an oven-fresh pastry, maybe the allure of bacon frying?  I still haven’t eaten anything, and yes, like the BO left in Jerry Seinfeld’s BMW by the unbathed valet attendant, the morning visit still lingers in the air.

Strange Thursday Morning Excitement

I stayed up way too late last night talking with friends, so my morning has been a prolonged struggle to stay awake.  I have made numerous self-promises that if I manage to get my work done, I can have a really special treat: an afternoon nap.  As I muddled my way through some entirely uninspired text, the quiet of my mountain home gave way to what at first I assumed to be an airplane cresting the mountain.

I continued my toiled conflict between obligation and fatigue only to realize that the noise did not subside as quickly as it would if a fixed wing aircraft was passing.  Also the temper and texture seemed to modulate in unusual patterns.  I continued working until the racket took on an odd, almost “lawn equipment” sound, and it sounded like it was on or very near my property.

Curiosity got the better of me, so I ventured downstairs and out on the upper deck to investigate.  Once I was outside where the sounds were not muffled by the walls of the house, it was obvious that the source of the disturbance was a rotary-wing aircraft, and one that was very near.  I surveyed the sky and the valley floor below wondering if one of my neighbors had been hurt and in need of a medi-vac. 

Suddenly the noise crescendoed and a helicopter rose from behind the near ridge across the valley.  I began to wonder if it was perhaps another search and rescue operation (we have hikers go missing as a regular part of life in the Smoky Mountains), but as I watched I realized that there was a long tether hanging from below the aircraft.  As it rose further, I saw that at the end of the tether was a 10 to 12 foot long, what can only be described as a hedge trimmer.

The helicopter, obviously piloted by a steady hand, was trimming away trees that were encroaching on the power lines that keep us “up landers” connected, warm, and fed.  I watched with fascination as this massive clipper swung just feet from live electric wires.  I kept thinking that a single gust of wind or an errant yaw of the controls would shear those power lines easier that it was lopping the limbs from the trees and what the potential consequences would be. 

The noise has gone now, as the aerial arborist has moved down the other side of the ridge tracing the utility corridor across another valley and rise.  I have often pondered the skill and ingenuity required to get lines to some of these home sites.  My own electric line is fed from a pole on a grade so steep that it would be nearly impossible to stand there and would require rappelling ropes to get to.  Yet someone dug the hole, erected a pole and strung wires on that ridge in a place too far from any road or flat land to enable even the longest truck rig to reach.

The next time the power goes out, I won’t swear quite so loud or long.  Those guys have a particularly complex job. 

The brave little dog

For those of you who have dogs, you know that they are an important member of the family.  Like little children, they have diverse personalities with mood swings that range from one extreme to the other.  They can be affectionate or aloof, protective or frightened, remorseful or stubborn, smart or clueless, cunning or naïve, forgiving or vindictive, and at times, funny as all heck.

This spring, April is turning out to be more wintery than December was.  In deference to the weather, I have dutifully planted my herbs and started some early tomatoes, peppers and cucumbers, but the arctic air keeps blowing and every night as the afternoon sun begins to wane, I have to carefully bring my tender plants into the house.

My four-legged son, Sebastian, a constant companion, great protector and watchdog, the first bold sentry to man (or dog) his post and sound the alarm if he even dreams someone is approaching the house, was quietly asleep in my bed this morning.  About 3:30 AM, I heard him stir, and I did my best to remain as still as possible cherishing the warm blankets and some much needed rest; it was below freezing and I really didn’t want to take him out.  My ruse didn’t work and soon he was up kicking his back feet like some Spanish fighting bull about to charge the matador; it is his signal that he needs to go potty.

I swung my legs out of bed and put on my warm slippers.  Cory, deducing what the early morning ruckus was all about, darted into the kitchen to pounce on the basement door; that is his signal that he needs to go potty.

I stumble into the predawn darkness wishing I had the luxury of emptying my own bladder before bracing the morning cold.  Down the stairs and opening the back door that leads into their run, I realize that Cory is the only one with me.  From the base of the steps I called Sebastian to follow, but the only answer I got was a weak, pathetic whimper.

I panicked thinking he had hurt himself or something.  I flew back upstairs and turned on all the lights.  Sebastian was sitting in the bedroom looking totally perplexed.  I invited him again to come “go potty.”  He approached the bedroom door, looked into the hall, and retreated stealthily back into the bedroom.

Apparently, the two planters that have been stored in the hallway every night for a week, today looked menacing beyond any canine fortitude my little boy could muster.  I scooped up my vicious watchdog and carried him to the basement steps. 

We all remember the nightmares of a monster hiding under the bed or the boogeyman in the closet, well, I guess to Sebastian, two yellow planters in the hall are just as terrifying. 

White lies: relationships, politics and sports

I am curious:  Do you suffer from cerebral echoes?  I do, and sometimes there just is no relief to be found.

Case in point:  I was talking with a friend of the other gender last week and an innocent subject breached the conversation to which her response was “a little white lie.”  She would have no way of knowing this, but I knew that her little fib was an impossibility.  I left it unchallenged, but her words continue to echo through my head without decreasing in intensity.

Why is it that people so readily expect dishonesty to be a beneficial foundational choice in relationship building between people? 

For those who are sports fans of any genre, we have all been in the situation where a member of our preferred team commits a foul that goes uncalled.  Do we stand and scream at the officials?  No!  But let an uncalled foul happen on the other side, and we don’t stop complaining for a week.  This disingenuous nature runs rampant throughout our society.  Our perception that what benefits our here-and-now outweighs the long term consequences is dangerous and foolhardy.

I could quite easily correlate this concept to the current presidential campaign and point to the innumerable lies and broken promises that has led to a divisive “none-of-the-above” candidate to be leading in the polls, but I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t let this stray into politics.

On the outside, we habitually cloak ourselves in garish costumes and stage makeup to present our best appearance, and a significant part of that charade is pretending to be someone or something other than the raw truth that hides beneath our faux façade.  How many times have we seen or experienced relationships grow apart, when in reality, the people just gradually dropped the pretense and showed themselves as they have always been?  “You aren’t the person I fell in love with.”  Maybe, maybe not.

In the Biblical sense, I am in no position to “cast the first stone,” but I do think and consequently strive to live my life with honesty as a forthright requirement in all of my relationships: business, casual and romance.  The dénouement to this piece could easily circle back to sports or politics or relationships, but I’ll leave the reverberation of the consequences of actions to echo around in your cranium bouncing off of all those indiscretions committed, ignored and forgiven, and then for you to decide whether those white lies made your relationships, you, or for that matter, anyone else, better or worse. 

That was an interesting weekend

That was an interesting weekend.  Some of you may remember a week-and-a-half ago my power went out for about four hours.  When it did come back on I noticed that I had lost about 50% of my water pressure.  I figured there was an air bubble somewhere between the house and the wellhead and it would eventually work its way out.

I grudgingly lived with a weak shower and barely enough pressure to wash the truck, but I did notice that at times the pressure would be better suggesting a cure was inevitable.  Thursday afternoon, I was cleaning up the kitchen and decided to go check the pressure gauge on the tank.  The pressure was holding, but I thought, I wonder what would happen if I cut the power.  As soon as I pulled the disconnect, I heard the water start to siphon back to the well (that isn’t supposed to happen).

Later that evening while getting ready for bed, I flushed the toilet only to realize that I had NO WATER.  Fortunately, I am still in prep mode for winter storms that can at times disrupt the power (and consequently the well pump), so I had a bathtub full of flush water and several gallons of drinking water stored up for emergencies.

Funny aside: While looking through a drawer to find the paperwork on the well, I found this neat book.  The pages were all yellow, so it might have been old.  Inside was the name, address and phone number of every business in the county, and they were categorized according to the type of business.  I found the phone number to the well company without looking at their invoice or even turning on a computer.  I don’t know who invented it, but what a neat thing:  Business phone numbers printed up in a book!

Friday morning the well company said they would be right over to get the water flowing again.  Four hours later, the truck pulls up.  (I had temporarily forgotten that everyone here works on mountain time.  Four hours is actually early; good thing it isn’t hunting season, it could have been four days.)

After an hour-and-a-half of studious diagnoses, he determined that he had to pull the well (exactly what I had told him when he arrived).  He next discovered that 6 small pine tree saplings had grown up near the wellhead, and they had to be cut down so he could get his crane in there.  He said he would find someone with a chainsaw, and if nothing else, would come back “after work” and do it himself.  He left with the promise that I would have water in the morning.

I started calling about 10:30 AM (allowing for mountain time), but never reached him until about 2:30 PM.  He said, “Oh, I thought you had worked something out.”  HUH???  “Let me find someone to help me, and I’ll be right out.”  Nope, never heard from him again.

After returning from the store with my truck bed full of clear plastic jugs reminiscent of an episode of Moonshiners, I settled in for another night no running tap water and the certainty that if he didn’t come on Saturday, there was no way he would come on a Sunday.

To my surprise, he called me about 8:30 in the morning and said he had finally found someone to help him.  He was going to meet him over at the business, pick up his truck and would head out my way.  2:30 in the afternoon, he starts up my driveway.

In the end, he found a busted coupling about 300 feet down, replaced that and by about 6:30 last night, I had a hot shower.  Today, well it’s a Happy Monday, so I better get to work, just give me a few hours, it is mountain time after all.

A Christmas Parable

The cadenced crunch of a hunter’s boots breaking the icy crust of the sequined snow breached Nature’s silence in the muted forest.  A young man fought the tumult in the back of his mind, it was Christmas Day and with that came the feelings of hopeless loss.  Gone were the idealistic childhood fantasies, and in its place the mandated orgy of a commercial x-mas.  So gun in hand, he hid in the only safe place he knew, his beloved woods.  Sure the idea of killing on Christmas, even for food, seemed an affront to his waning Faith, but having checked the compendium of laws and finding no prohibition; the alternative was manifest of far worse transgressions.

The din of chaos back in town reverberated in his head.  The partisan cheers and expletive laden rants that his beer-lubricated uncles and cousins hurled at the televised games that they could never have excelled in, entwined with the soprano chortles of his gossiping mother and the female relatives as they busied themselves in preparing a gluttonous feast.  The shreds of the decorative paper that had once secreted the obligatory tithes to the doctrine of the all-American, conspicuous consumerism were quickly devoured by flames, spewing their chemical laden smoke up the chimney egress of the mythical Santa.  Even last evening’s church service had an air of a compulsory social appearance rather than any resemblance of reverent observance of the Christ’s birth.  What of this is supposed to be the Christmas Spirit?

The pristine trail had led most of a mile from his rusty truck and the unintentionally forgotten Thermos of coffee.  Leaning against a tree, the lone sojourner tapped a cigarette from its pack and inhaled the soothing wisps of tobacco.  He thought about his long absent father and what he would have thought about the evolution of this holiday; for that matter, what he would have thought about his son slowly injuring himself with the tars that carried the addictive nicotine deep into his lungs.  The conflicts of life were mental enigma that defied resolution; there arose a discomforting understanding of why so many veered to less pious paths.  There is the inevitability that every man is a sinner.

The cigarette dropped into a snowy boot track as muscle memory and woodsman instinct brought the shotgun to its ready.  A young tom stepped from the briars and announced his presence with a loud gobble.  Without thought or hesitation, the safety was off, the trigger pulled, and the turkey lain quivering; its blood staining the virgin blanket of white.

The disquieting ruminations abandoned, the huntsman set about field dressing the bird to preserve the meat from the effects of gastric fluids and bile.  It was a small male, less than half the size of the domesticated fowl his mother was basting in her oven.  But this was a gift of nourishment, not a product of the purposeless life of inhumane farming; this bird grew in the freedom of Nature and fed on the bounty of the forest, not caged in the confines of fecal laden barns, feeding on antibiotics and growth hormones.  His head bowed, the hunter said a prayer of gratitude, and then stood in the realization that life’s meaning often transcends reason.

Retracing his steps back to the familiar trail, an unexpected aroma of wood smoke piqued the interest of the seeker.  In the snow, less than thirty yards from the tree from where he had shot the turkey, there were unmistakable tracks of someone who had come from deeper in the forest and then retreated along the same course.

The path led to a ramshackle campsite.  A young husband and wife with their infant child, too young to be exposed to the winter air, sat huddled near a fire pit.  The camp consisted of a modest sized tent which housed sleeping bags and disorganized piles of clothing, there was an axe left idle near a sizable wood pile of deadfall, some rudimentary cooking implements, an oaken bucket used to fetch water from the nearby stream, and a rusty but workable bicycle. 

Their story was not unheard of in these difficult times.  Eking out a modest two-earner living, an unplanned pregnancy, an employer’s failed business, and the inefficient snail’s pace of a secular welfare system left the couple with few viable options.   

The turkey was retrieved from the game pouch and presented as a Christmas gift to the wayward couple.  With patient instruction, water was heated and the fowl cleaned of its feathers, a spit was built of green wood and the meat set to roast.  The hunter then gave his cherished Remington to the husband so that his family might never go hungry.  He emptied his wallet and pockets of all of his cash and change, giving it to the wife so that baby might have its necessities.  And finally taking the family by their hands and kneeling beside the fire, the young man bowed to the child and recited what he could remember of the Gospel’s account of that first Christmas more than two millennia ago. 

The shadows had grown long as the shortened day began to wane.  Wary of the unarmed return trek in darkness, the hunter bid the pilgrims farewell and left into the deepening nightfall.

Now the quintessence of any Christmas story is some defining, feel-good miracle, but the true Christmas Miracle happened more than two thousand years ago and still reverberates through the world today.  Who doesn’t feel the Miracle whenever someone leaves a gold coin or diamond ring in one of those “red kettles,” or the news hits of a stranger paying off someone else’s layaway bill, or a soup kitchen feeding the needy, or a motorcycle club gathering toys…  The list goes on and on, not only during this season of realization, generosity and charity, but throughout the year.  The thing is, is that the “feel-good” Christmas Miracle only becomes miraculous when it touches you and causes you to touch someone else. 

This is not one of my autobiographical memoires that happens to fit the time and message, but I will admit that its impetus was a “favor” I did for someone I barely know, and the worry and insecurity I had over potentially being scammed.  In the end, my deed did some good, and although it did not permanently solve the other person’s dilemma, it did allay a portion of the emergent crisis.

I would like to invite each of you to get involved in Christmas, not only this week, but every week.  There is not one of us who alone, can save the world, but even the tiniest pebble makes a ripple.  Do something you can be proud of, even if it feels a little scary or uncomfortable.  Make a little ripple in the continuum of humanity, and maybe together we can join to form a tsunami of good.  Together, just maybe, we can save at least a part of the world.  Go make someone’s day, and have a Merry Christmas.

Autumn: Mother Nature's Menopause

     The view from my front deck is awe inspiring.  Although much of my beloved forest canopy is still clothed in the couverture verte of late summer, balloons of vibrant hues bespeckle the vista near and far.  Mother Nature has come to the end of her reproductive season and has begun her annual change of life.  Yes, the dear Mother of our Northern Hemisphere has entered her yearly menopause. 

     Autumn is such a visually beautiful time of year in the Great Smoky Mountains as the foliage dons its brilliant fall Joseph’s Coat of reds, purples, amber and orange.  But the seasonal change in the Womb of the World has its more fickle side.  Recently, we mere mortals that live in the majestic Southeast were tormented with Mother’s emotional mood swings that started with several days of gentle weeping and built itself up into a torrent of bawling that left many towns awash in a flood of tears.  Some lost their lives and many others lost their homes; there are many whose lives are still disrupted, floundering in need of assistance.  To them, I send my heartfelt prayers.

     I am fortunate to live far enough north and west of her most recent wrath, only to have mildly suffered through a week and a half of wet, gray, cold days, with mornings of blinding fog and evenings trying to appease my suffering dogs that were equally tortured by bloated bladders and their disdain for rain soaked feet.

     With the new season, the dawn breaks a little later each day and the evenings seem impatient to arrive compelling the need for cold artificial lighting that lacks the life-energizing radiance of the sun-god who is chased from his sky-throne ever earlier each afternoon.  Life slows as Mother enters her change.

      Each morning I awake to her cold shoulder and quickly wrap myself in my favorite cowl-neck sweater for the warmth and comfort I used to glean from Ms. Nature.  (Sweater? I hate that word; can’t we come up with something for those warm over-wraps that doesn’t involve perspiration?)  By the afternoon, her inevitable hot flashes will have me shedding layers of clothing, opening windows and turning on ceiling fans.  I tolerate her climatic fluctuations without complaint.  In her current state of emotional turmoil, it is not advisable to rile the Mother’s angst; it was only last year when she cast an angry blanket of snow across the region to spoil the Halloween of our youngest mountain dwellers.

     Yet as the emerald days of summer slip past the fleeting

kaleidoscope of autumn colors and into the barren browns of her winter’s sleep, we reverently rejoice in all that the Mother provides.  The farmer’s markets are still laden with the late harvest, and like the squirrels and chipmunks gathering their cache of walnuts, acorns and chestnuts, kitchens everywhere are busy canning and freezing the tastes and nourishment of her bounty to tide us over until she once again warms the sky and the Earth to begin the new growth of next year’s spring.  It is a glorious day, and I am grateful to be here to enjoy it.

Was the Lion King really a Chipmunk?

Was the Lion King really a Chipmunk?

Yesterday afternoon I witnessed something that you would ordinarily only see on a National Geographic nature special.  Well, except on National Geographic it would have ended with the requisite circle of life meal.

It started with my dogs barking on the front deck.  I could tell by their voices that it wasn’t a visiting dog or anyone else, besides my driveway alarm had not sounded to alert me of an approaching entity.  After a few minutes with my boys not calming down, I ventured outside to see what had captured their attention.

They were both sitting close up against the gate that keeps them confined to the second story porch, but they were looking down along the front of the garage doors.  I walked over to follow their gaze, and there about 30 feet away, sitting on a short rock wall in the garden alongside the driveway was a sizable black snake.  Now my snake expertise is limited to, “Ahhh!  Snake!  Run!”  I do know that we do not have any venomous black snakes in North Carolina.  Still, all in all, a four-foot long snake sunning on the rocks less than ten feet from my garage door was not making me happy.

I watched with curiosity as the serpent lifted one of the rocks with its head and slithered down into what is obviously a known crevice deep within the stones.  I kind of smiled that the last four inches of his tail did not follow him inside.  As I considered whether I should ( eew, eew, eew) intervene with its chosen lair, I noticed higher up on the wall there was a very pissed off chipmunk.

The chipmunk, with his tail slapping his back in rhythmic warnings, climbed down the wall and stealthily crept in a wide circle up to the legless one’s hiding place.  He positioned himself atop a rounded stone, a mere three inches from the serpent tail and looked like he was going to pounce upon the obviously more abled foe.

I really wanted to run and grab a camera, but I was sure that the absurd confrontation would not last long enough for me to fetch my zoom lens.  I was seriously concerned that the snake’s head may have been curled around toward the opening and my furry rodent neighbor might end up as an Alvin Tartar entrée.

The bizarre, death defying dance of the chipmunk continued for more than ten minutes as he neared and then backed off from his death-wish.  Eventually I guess he decided that the snake was not going to join in his suicidal game and he climbed back up the mountainside, stopping every few feet to see if his friend was following him.

This morning there was no sign of the snake, Alvin or any echoes of Rafiki’s lyrics (as written by Elton John), but I’m keeping my eyes peeled.

Sometimes my mind wanders

If you see my mind run by, please try and stop it.  I think Adrianna’s brain wandered off, too.

This morning following a promotional piece about Highland Brewing hosting Banjopalooza this weekend (yeah, I’d have to be drunk too), there was a tragic story on the news about a police involved shooting here in my quiet hamlet (you’ll get the pun later) of Waynesville, North Carolina.  Apparently police were called to a scene of shots fired.  They discovered a lone gunman hiding in a church; gunfire was exchanged.  The news reported that there was no word on the condition of the gunman who was shot by the police.  This was being said while in the background a video showed the coroner carrying a body bag out of the church.  I guess they didn’t want to jump to conclusions, I mean maybe the gunman was shy and hid in the body bag to avoid having his face on TV.

This, of course, spawned a conversation between Adrianna and I about reusable body bags and whose unfortunate job it is to wash them out, which obviously led to a discussion on the growing popularity of rental caskets, the age-old conundrum of cremation versus burial, and finally to the Danish practice of temporary interment.  Apparently in Denmark, unless you pay an annual fee, you only get to use your grave for ten years, after that they dig up what’s left and evict you.  (That gives a whole new meaning to, “Your time is up.”)  Come to think of it, that is probably why Hamlet delivered his soliloquy while holding Yorick’s skull.  The poor court jester had to give up his grave to the next corpse.

Adrianna was at a loss to explain to me what the Danes do with the disinterred remains.  We joked about grieving families finding an unexpected package at their front door or the possibility of a truly gruesome corner of the local dump, but we decided that the remains were probably cremated.  Which, of course, is ironic, since the family had incurred the expense of a traditional burial only to have their loved one cremated later.

This led two writers’ minds to ponder what happens if those underpaid grave-digger-uppers unearth a zombie or vampire.  But then we remembered the Midsummer Danish Holiday, Sankt Hans Aften (or Saint John’s Eve) where those wily Danes build bonfires and roast witches on stakes (I’d rather roast steaks and s’mores).  Perhaps this celebration, often blamed on those scapegoats of Western Civilization, the Pagans, is really a masquerade to dispose of the annual cache of the undead Danish.

Anyway, I realize it is spurious speculation, but I think the gunman is dead.  I doubt that Brevard resident, Steve Martin, is going to make an appearance at Banjopalooza.  And I would rather be cremated than dumped in a hole.  

Did you ever wonder what editors do with their time?

Is Sponge Bob Square Pants edible?

Is Sponge Bob Square Pants edible?

Yesterday, I was exhausted from too many 12 hour days of editing, so I scratched out a short shopping list, gathered up some recyclable cardboard and took it downstairs to the basement.  When I switched on the light I realized that my less-obedient dog had decided that the morning rains had left the yard too wet for his delicate feet and peed on the side door instead of walking through the opening and doing his business outside.

I was pissed (forgive the pun).  I washed down the puddle and disinfected the concrete floor before stomping upstairs to let Cory know just how upset I was.  Both dogs were bouncing around in joyous anticipation of a ride in the truck, but my mood soon turned their puppy-upper into a doggy-downer.  They knew there was not going to be an open-window, tongue-flapping delightful trip down the mountain that day.

I grabbed my hat and keys, locked the boys in the house and started down the steep grade of my driveway.  I made it to the gate before I realized I had left the list on the kitchen counter; I swore at myself, but was still so mad at my canine son, I decided to press on relying solely on my memory.  I reached the mailbox at the foot of the mountain and retrieved a couple of checks.  It was there that I discovered that I had also forgotten my glasses.  I wasn’t going back.

I managed my shopping successfully, although I did not buy any meat because I couldn’t make out the pricing.  However I could see well enough that while picking up some cheap macaroni and cheese, I could make out that the brand name was on a Buy-One-Get-One special making it cheaper than the store brand.

Upon arriving back at the house and reminding Cory that I had not forgotten his so-called accident, I began preparing my supper and the mac-n-cheese from which I use a few morsels to convince the dogs that they’re eating people food.  When the water began to boil, I opened the box and to my surprise, out came Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Just below the “Don’t go grocery shopping when hungry” line on my list things to remember, I added, “Don’t go shopping without your glasses or you may end up with a trouser wearing Porifera for dinner.”

And by the way, do Canadian football players have bad breath?  As evening settled across the mountains, I retired to my bedroom, switched on the TV and found an in-progress game from the CFL.  I figured what the heck; it’ll do until the real football starts in another month or two.  I noticed that the offensive and defensive lines, position themselves TWO FULL YARDS (or is it meters?) apart from one another.  How are you supposed to insult the parental lineage of the other players or threaten bodily harm to the other team’s quarterback if you’re not allowed to get any closer than six feet?  Is it really football without the trash talk?  I say we take up a collection for some toothpaste and mouthwash, and teach the Canadians how the game is supposed to be played.  Maybe we should gather up our national stockpiles of Kraft’s Sponge Bob Square Pants and Cheese and ship that up north while we’re at it.

Let's Make a Deal

As you may or may not know, when I sit down to write some of these posts, I think back over my week and try and come up with some small kernel of humor or irony from which I can expound.  Today I got to thinking about Monty Hall and the old Let’s Make a Deal TV show. 

This week something happened to me from which I am still suffering a hangover of consequences.  Although there is more than one of you who know what I am talking about, the specifics are somewhat personal, include another individual and are not entirely germane to the point of this little muse.

However, to lay some small foundation, I was ensnared to help with a problem by someone who by mutual consent, I have no contact with.  I was faced with the quandary of my instinctive desire to help anyone in need, juxtaposed to my concern over a prolonged unhealthy communication and potential confrontation. 

Monty kept asking me if I wanted Door #1, Door #2 or Door #3, so I weighed my options.

Door #1:  I could surrender to my innate ire at the unexpected incursion into my peaceful existence.  I knew there was no chance at reciprocity; this was not a favor between friends, but an exploitive one-way street paved with the remnants of a distant troubled history.  Inside my anger grew, but I was in no mood for an altercation.  I passed on Door #1.

Door #2:  I could swallow my pride with hope that it might digest my anger.  If I could solve the problem, the irritant factor might retreat back into the desolation of ignored existence and my life could maintain its status quo.

Door #3:  Or I could bow out politely leaving a defined implication that I was not interested in being listed as one of her problem solving resources.  This of course could result in a retaliatory response not unknown to this person.

I chose Door #2 because I thought I had conceived a simple fix to the request for help.  Unfortunately, a few hours passed and I was called again and informed of the failure of my solution, that the problem was now augmented by additional difficulties and a re-plead urgent appeal for my assistance.  The new wrinkles in the dilemma immediately suggested an alternate plan of action that contained a small, finite number of variable postulates guaranteeing its success.  Confident that I had solved not only the distant issue but my own interpersonal predicament, I retired to my bedroom for some late TV and much needed rest.

After a few hours, my phone lit up with a text explaining the incomprehensible failure of my new plan, the suggestion that I should accept the transfer of the problem to my own computer, that I should solve the scenario without the participation of the other person and the announcement of an impending face-to-face visitation.  I, rightly or wrongly, perceived this as a bridge-building ploy; a tactic not unknown to the arsenal of my adversary, and one that I have fallen prey to on more than one occasion.  I closed Door #2.

The next day, I composed a brief text that explained that I had no additional time to devote to the problem at hand, and that due to the years of our estrangement I could foresee no benefit in meeting again face to face.  My reply was met with angered declarations that every transgression ever committed against mankind, including those she committed, were the result of my personal actions and all the sins of the world were, of course, my fault.

I allowed those words to piece my skin like the venomous fangs of a snake and spent two days in the torture of self-doubt and insecurity.  As is my habit, I sought cathartic relief in my writing, starting and stopping a half dozen formats whereon I thought I could bleed a little for the mutual benefit of my readers and my health.  Each attempt was met with insurmountable obstacles of wordless feelings and incompetent construction.  I could not find my safety valve to release the pressure building inside me.

Fearing yet another failure, I persevered on this piece, discovering only as I started this final paragraph, that my quest for resolution lies not within me, but within my antagonist.  For if I was as vile and unworthy as her words suggest then why her persistent need to reconnect.  I am far from perfect and perhaps my faults do merit occasional derision, but I am unashamedly me.

All these things are who I am,

I am me,

It’s who I am.

I stand here now

both humble and proud,

for I have sinned

and I have failed,

I’ve known Grace

and tasted victory,

I have disappointed

and been let down,

I’ve learned knowledge

and shown great ignorance,

I have loved

and been loved,

In some eyes

I shine bright,

in others,
I am but a tarnished relic.

All these things are who I am,

I am me,

It’s who I am.

Excuse me, I found a nickel.

This morning, while proofreading a particularly boring transcript of a municipal hearing on the suspension and termination of one of the village's high-ranking employees, I was surprised by my mind’s instinctive fight-or-flight response.  From the dark recesses of useless memory came a flash of my kindergarten days in the Gertrude C. Folwell School in good old Mt. Holly, New Jersey.

During a recess I had fortuitously found a nickel on the path that led from the back fence up into the school yard.  There was not a moment’s hesitation in my intentions; I took the five-cent piece to the Principal’s Office and turned it in.

The grey-haired smiling faces behind the impossibly tall counter filled out a 3x5 index card with my name, date, value of the treasure and my teacher’s name, and informed me that if no one claimed the fortune in the next two weeks, I could reclaim it and keep it all to myself.

Now before you judge my naiveté, please keep in mind that growing up in a family of five children being supported by an enlisted Air Force NCO’s salary, I was likely pulling down a hard 25 cents per week in allowance.  This windfall I had discovered amounted to about 1/5 of my weekly income.  If you were to find someone’s misplaced money that equated to 20% of your weekly income and not consider attempting to find the rightful owner, well, I think that would say more about you and how you might feel if it was your money that was accidentally lost.

Anyway, I had a hardy laugh at myself as I remembered my youthful angst waiting for the two weeks to elapse so that I could retrieve my fortune and head over to the Little Green Mount Store and buy some Red Hots or Good-n-Plenty.  But as the innocent pleasures of childhood raced through the empty environs of my cranial cavity, I couldn't help but wonder if one of those kindly old schoolmarms wasn't secretly wishing the tiny towheaded boy would forget the nickel amid the vast distractions of primary education/playtime and she might slip the riches into her pocket and abscond with my much-deserved wealth. 

Wow, what a half-century of life can do to an innocent mind! 

Don't you love new technology? Maybe too much?

Are we too much in love with technology?  There seems to be not only unintended consequences affecting human life with our beloved technological advances, but an inane futility in our never ending pursuit of the next great invention.

The impetus of this post was my recent trip to the newly renovated Wendy’s in town.  There I encountered Coca Cola’s Freestyle,

The Fountain of the Future, soft drink dispenser.  The monstrosity is controlled by a giant smartphone-like touchscreen that enables the indoctrinated user to navigate through the not-so-user-friendly menus that feature every flavor variation in Coke’s repertoire.  

The incredible unsanitary premise of a machine that has every patron in the busy restaurant smearing their fingers across a communal surface-capacitance control device without regard to when or if anyone has washed their hands, prompted enough concern that I wrote Coca Cola, Wendy’s, the machine’s manufacturer, our local TV news and posted on multiple social media sites.  These dispensers have the very real potential to be ground zero in the next pandemic of infectious disease. 

My concern was met with everything from, “Leave your food and go wash your hands before eating” (yeah, right!), to a suggestion that I carry disinfectant clothes to wipe the screen first, to “I love those things, they are great!” to “Ask the cashier to get your soda from the drive-thru.”  There was a unanimous tacit agreement that eating a hamburger and fries with your bare hands after swapping sweat with the general unwashed public is not a good idea, but no one was ready to admit that the cool new technology might not be a good idea.

The unintended consequences of adaptive technology are changing the face of civilization.  How often do you see (perhaps even at home) a family dinner

eaten in silence as people stare into the screens of their smartphones?  This week there was a medical report released emphasizing the sedentary effects on health and antisocial behavior by the users of computers, tablets, phones and video games.  All of these essential gadgets are celebrated technological achievements, but unfortunately they are proving, in part, detrimental to their users.

Google Glasses and the Apple Watch are leading the way in wearable technology, perhaps usurping the potential worthiness of pierced eyeglasses and the subdural watch (I mean really,

who wouldn't want their glasses screwed permanently to their nose or their watch surgically implanted in their arm?)

Kraft foods and Intel have

collaborated in a kiosk technology that uses facial recognition and an interactive video interface to tell passers-by what they should be eating for dinner.  I doubt it will ever get as popular as the vending

machine that dispenses Korean Kimchi.  Of course after a meal of fermented and

highly spiced cabbage, you might also need the patented Gas Grabber to avoid the potential of social olfactory offenses.

Sometimes the next great thing is

not necessarily great.  Sure you can eat dinner in the sky, but before you get hoisted, you had better use the restroom.  There is no plumbing up there. 

You can download the latest iPhone app that will cross reference Facebook “check-ins” and Yelp posts to point you in the

direction of the nearest female (I must be really old fashioned; I use my eyes), but be careful if Elbo Room points you towards the men’s lavatory, there’s new

technology now that allows women to pee standing up.  (What do they do with the funnel when they're done?  I hope they already got their soda.)

Yes, technology is fun, but beware of the eventuality of its benefits.  Have you ever had your computer crash, television quit or your automobile break down?  Technology is not exactly reliable.  It makes me laugh when I hear friends and relatives speak of their paranoia of flying in an aircraft (and in the shadow of recent events, riding in a train) because they feel like they are not in control.  As an example, last night I was watching a movie with a lady-friend; there was the requisite car chase wherein the good guy had a partner riding with him as he crashed through the streets of Moscow. 

My friend remarked, “Oh my God, I could never ride shotgun during something like that.”  So what is technology’s answer: Google’s driverless cars?  Yup, I see nothing wrong with that, I mean the circuitry would never fail leaving the passengers helpless and without control.

All in all, I love technology as much as the next person; I just view it with enough skepticism that I am not blind to its pitfalls.  I would be the one looking behind the curtain when I had an audience with the Great and Powerful Oz,

and I am also the one who looks at the hands of the kid in front of me dispensing his cup of Cherry Coke, and wonder what he’s been doing since the last time his hands saw soap and water.

The Lonely Man

    It was not his intention to go adventuring there.  He had confidants and advisors beckoning him to get out and socialize.  The solitude of his circumstances could only be cured by the company of people not yet met.  So reluctantly, he went.

    The familiar streets were crowded with unfamiliar faces, all looking past him as if he were invisible.  The passersby attentions all trained on their companions; there was no room for the lowly stranger in their midst.  

    The town was alive with revelry; noise came from all directions.  The din was both unbearably loud and totally indecipherable.  Laughter, shrieks, distant calls combined with the music of a dozen venues and a thousand muttered conversations to become a mélange of nerve challenging dissonance.

    His deliberate smiles and tacit hellos met empty eyes and averted glances; he ruminated that had he had ventured out completely nude, he was certain that his presence would have gone just as unnoticed.  He found no friends. 

    Transecting the calamity of tourists and locals, the need for a strong drink entered his mind.  Loitering with the unwitting expectation that a rescue squad of forgotten and neglected acquaintances from his previous life might somehow salvage the night, the possibility of an empty discourse with a professional conversationalist drove him to the nearest watering hole.  The unseeing crowd gave no yield to his incursion, and when by a series of widening detours, the lone man gained proximity to the bar, there were no voids for which he could fill.  Standing three back from his intended goal and gesturing in direct line-of-sight, his discomfort grew as the mute bartender proved as blind as the pedestrians on the street to his presence. 

    Backtracking through the inattentive throngs, he found the sidewalk equally as stifling as the dram shop.  Evasively wandering amid the swirling currents of street musicians, young lovers, generational families and cliques of back-slapping comrades enrapt in their secret mottled words and gestures, the lone man opened every unlocked door only to find over and over again, the same disconcerting crowd, each time wearing different faces.

     

     Nary a single smile could he garner, and the scant few moments of eye contact were colored with undertones of pity and misunderstanding.  He was alone not by choice, but yes, he was alone.

     At last the Heavens granted him some respite; the skies opened above the quaint town and dowsed it with a cleansing rain.  He now had unquestionable reason to slink back to the comfort of his lonely hovel, justified with his earnest attempt to appease the admonitions of those who bade him to go.   

A Toast to Tomorrow

            The weight of the morning sat heavy on his chest.  He had carried the bags of a dozen months of cohabitation down to her car, and then watched as she drove off.  It is not often that one gets to watch their memories leave in such a physical manner.  There were so many memories; much more history than the past year might suggest.  The two had been co-workers, friends, co-conspirators, mutual consolers during each one’s breakup, but more than anything, they were the anchor that held the other from drifting into turbulent waters.

            There had been plenty of good times, a few not-so-good, but nothing really bad, at least not that he could think of, but then good, bad and indifferent are always a matter of personal perspective.  Whatever they had had in the past was moot; she took her things under the guise that their two lives could no longer be blended, and that both of them carried too much destructive baggage.

            The house felt abandoned while a satellite radio station spewed a steady stream of music from the 70s; he had hoped that old memories might quell the pain of the newer ones, but Hall and Oates, Jimmy Buffett and Rod Steward kept lamenting about broken hearts and lost loves.  The music didn’t do justice to the ebbing weekend.  The past few days had been spent smiling and laughing, drinking libations alfresco with quiet conversations and intimate dinners.  There had been no unreasonable expectations; they both knew the visit was to retrieve the balance of her belongings and to close the doors left ajar when she suddenly disappeared so many months ago.  It was intended as a happy ending, and in spite of the weight, it had been.

            The weekend’s evenings, mottled by wine and the fatigue of unpracticed activities, ended in bed together as always, and as always, without the intimacy they both needed and were both too afraid to let happen. 

            Their time together was over; she was gone and he set about straightening the house to fill the void.  It was an easy decision to leave the sheets until tomorrow; another night with her scent to stir his dreams would be good.  But he closed the bathroom door in a vain effort to ignore the barren vanity bereft of its collection of creams and lotions.

            Washing her favorite coffee cup and placing it back in the cupboard, the mental echo of her parting promise to visit again brought a smile to the corner of his lips.  It was, as he knew, an empty promise; one meant to assuage the sadness of their goodbye and not something to dwell on with anticipation.  Yes, there would be phone calls, texts and emails, but like the oil and vinegar that tastes so good together on tossed greens, in stillness, they can’t remain together.  Their days were over, and like the waning light of a sunset, their conversations would soon fade into the stillness of night.  She had been right; he could no more live her life than she could his.

            Rikki, don’t lose that number, sang in the background as he pulled a pizza from the freezer.  Life again would return to wordless nights of sophomoric television, meals eaten over the sink and a lonely, cold bed.  If blame needs to be laid, the target was not obvious.  Pouring a first glass of wine, he stepped onto the deck to watch the sun creep toward the horizon of experiences not yet lived; he wondered where she was, and if in her heart, she felt deflated or relieved.  With the revelation that she was no longer his worry, some of the heaviness lifted.  He raised a glass to the distant vista, “To the good times past, and to lives not yet lived.”

Rikki, don't lose that number,
You don't wanna call nobody else;
Send it off in a letter to yourself.
Rikki, don't lose that number,
It's the only one you own.
You might use it if you feel better
When you get home.

Star Wars Day, Cinco de Mayo and canine organized sports

Happy Cinco de Mayo!  Yeah, I know, sort of anticlimactic after yesterday’s Star Wars festivities (May the Fourth be with you!)

But I celebrated a little differently.  Have you ever stood on a cliff face and wondered what it would be like to step over the edge?  Okay, I know that sounds a little too morbid, especially coming from somebody who is chronically depressed, but in a way, that's what I did yesterday.

I was on the way to town; I had to drop off a bank deposit and pick up a couple of essentials from the grocery store.  It was a beautiful warm day; I had both dogs with me and I thought why not (eerie music plays: bum bum bummmm), let's stop at the dog park.

OMG!  Trying to get two leashed dogs from the appropriately named parking lot into the park was like trying to unbraid a Rastafarian's hair.  The tethers were going in every direction at once, and of course, every blade of grass, tuft of shrubbery, tree trunk and fence post had to be individually sniffed and then peed on.

When I at last got them both going in the same direction and we crossed the bridge that separates the skateboard park from the dog park, I was pleasantly surprised that there were only two dogs in the huge enclosure.  This was Cory’s first outing, and I had some mental reservations about how he would socialize with other dogs.  I had little to worry about; after the requisite butt checks, the four little guys set about frolicking. 

I was conversing with two mommies about breeds, adoption and personalities when another mommy came with her two dogs.  Then another arrived, and then two more, and two more, and then three parents simultaneously, each with two of their own.  Soon there were in excess 30 canines running about the park.

The dogs eventually broke out in four or five packs, each with a self-elected alpha quarterbacking the activities.  There were the occasional skirmishes within the squads; sometimes a parent would have to intervene as a referee, but most of the time it was settled by a negotiated trade with one of the other teams.

The fun came as each new arrival would enter through the double gated sally port.  All the teams would rush the new recruit and vie to draft him or her onto their team.  This frequently ended in loud arguments between multiple alphas, and often involved a parent or two venturing into the swirling tempest of snarling muzzles in order to separate the running backs from the defensive linemen.

One of the more entertaining sights was when my Sebastian would be taunting a big dog (he loves to play with dogs at least four times as large as he), and he would get in the big guy’s face (literally, he stands on his back feet and puts his front paws on the other dog’s face), sometimes the bigger dog would react with an end around blitz that would knock poor Sebastian to the ground.  It would not deter my little guy; he is confident that his 20 pounds of spry, cunning offense is no match for any 100 pound defensive linebacker.  But every time Sebastian was knocked over, Cory would sprint from whatever third string practice squad he was assigned to, and pounce on the big dog to defend his brother.  I would have to jump in and tell Cory it was okay, that Sebastian and his friend were only playing and that he’d better get back to his own team or he would get cut (again) and have to sit on the bench during the games.

Eventually the length of their tongues dangling from their mouths told me it was time to get the leashes reattached and head back to truck where I had a cold bottle of water waiting to quench their well-earned thirst.

It was good for all of us to get out, and I think I enjoyed it almost as much as they did.  There is little doubt that we will be visiting the park again soon.