Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Pre-nuptial Prophylactics

The other day I was working with a client (who is also a friend) on some court documents in a particularly nasty divorce.  It was wrought with the usual vile accusations, lies and venom that normally occur in a civil dissolution, including, according to police records, the parent who was accusing the other of child abuse, was the one who was actually under investigation for those charges.
In the midst of this conversation, I made an off-the-cuff remark: “It is unfortunate that they cannot manufacture some sort of pre-nuptial prophylactic that could guard against marriage.  Divorce has to be the worst kind of sexually transmitted disease.  The ONLY possible way to eliminate divorce is to end the institution of marriage.”
After the requisite laughs, we jokingly analyzed my spontaneous analogy.  We decided that it is indeed a virulent disease of pandemic proportions for which treatment can cost as much as half of everything you have ever owned.  And even with successful treatment, there is no hope for a cure, you and your ex-spouse, along with any offspring, family, friends, and even pets will suffer the effects, possibly for the rest of your lives.
I don’t believe any scientist of any ilk, could devise a methodology to remove the sexual instincts and pleasures from humankind (and who would want them to?), and all of the cautions evangelized by those who have been previously infected, will not keep some episodes of attraction and lust from occasionally morphing into the dreaded “vowed union.”  The illogic of two-becoming-one is the carcinogenic seed that will, in a majority of cases, metastasize from tiny annoyances, inconvenient appeasements and minor personal exasperations into episodes of ire, the onset of persistent revulsion and finally, to full-blown, stage-four hatred.
Marriage is the cause of divorce.  People should only engage in and practice casual sex, never allowing the simple act of sexual congress to influence the rationality of their single life.  If after the passion and enjoyments of copulation, one finds your mind being influenced by imaginary concepts of LOVE and FOREVER, you should immediately spring from the deceptive embrace of your lover, shouting inventive pejoratives and untruthful indictments until your once beloved mate declares their eternal abhorrence of your mere existence.  I know that this sounds like drastic measures, but it will undoubtedly save the time, anguish and untold thousands of dollars inevitably expended to construct and then dismantle an ill-fated marriage.  Remember, Einstein got divorced.  Do you think you're smarter than Einstein?
The only way to absolutely  guarantee that you will not contract a sexually transmitted disease is abstinence.  In this case, abstain from marriage.  Relationships with as many partners as is possible is your best defense against the pain and embarrassment of this devastating malady. 
In the interest of safety, make your life's major decisions based on careful introspection, remember to “wrap that rascal,” and keep your sex-life casual.

And to put the rumor-mill at ease, this has nothing to do with Shirle and I (at least not this week J).

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