Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Pre-nuptial Prophylactics

The other day I was working with a client (who is also a friend) on some court documents in a particularly nasty divorce.  It was wrought with the usual vile accusations, lies and venom that normally occur in a civil dissolution, including, according to police records, the parent who was accusing the other of child abuse, was the one who was actually under investigation for those charges.
In the midst of this conversation, I made an off-the-cuff remark: “It is unfortunate that they cannot manufacture some sort of pre-nuptial prophylactic that could guard against marriage.  Divorce has to be the worst kind of sexually transmitted disease.  The ONLY possible way to eliminate divorce is to end the institution of marriage.”
After the requisite laughs, we jokingly analyzed my spontaneous analogy.  We decided that it is indeed a virulent disease of pandemic proportions for which treatment can cost as much as half of everything you have ever owned.  And even with successful treatment, there is no hope for a cure, you and your ex-spouse, along with any offspring, family, friends, and even pets will suffer the effects, possibly for the rest of your lives.
I don’t believe any scientist of any ilk, could devise a methodology to remove the sexual instincts and pleasures from humankind (and who would want them to?), and all of the cautions evangelized by those who have been previously infected, will not keep some episodes of attraction and lust from occasionally morphing into the dreaded “vowed union.”  The illogic of two-becoming-one is the carcinogenic seed that will, in a majority of cases, metastasize from tiny annoyances, inconvenient appeasements and minor personal exasperations into episodes of ire, the onset of persistent revulsion and finally, to full-blown, stage-four hatred.
Marriage is the cause of divorce.  People should only engage in and practice casual sex, never allowing the simple act of sexual congress to influence the rationality of their single life.  If after the passion and enjoyments of copulation, one finds your mind being influenced by imaginary concepts of LOVE and FOREVER, you should immediately spring from the deceptive embrace of your lover, shouting inventive pejoratives and untruthful indictments until your once beloved mate declares their eternal abhorrence of your mere existence.  I know that this sounds like drastic measures, but it will undoubtedly save the time, anguish and untold thousands of dollars inevitably expended to construct and then dismantle an ill-fated marriage.  Remember, Einstein got divorced.  Do you think you're smarter than Einstein?
The only way to absolutely  guarantee that you will not contract a sexually transmitted disease is abstinence.  In this case, abstain from marriage.  Relationships with as many partners as is possible is your best defense against the pain and embarrassment of this devastating malady. 
In the interest of safety, make your life's major decisions based on careful introspection, remember to “wrap that rascal,” and keep your sex-life casual.

And to put the rumor-mill at ease, this has nothing to do with Shirle and I (at least not this week J).

Sunday, July 7, 2013

The best way to water your garden

It’s been a fun July, hasn't it, at least for all of us on the east coast.  From a gardening standpoint, this weather is better than an automated irrigation system.  I imagine that my vegetables and flowers are enjoying the constant precipitation, but can we say enough?
It is STILL raining here in the Smoky Mountains, and that is getting quite old.  Rivers and streams are over their banks, the ground is so saturated that roadways are being undermined, hillsides are subject to mud/rockslides, streets are flooded in all of the usual locations and in many other places that have never had standing water problems. 
View to the south.
The worst part is that it is not over.  We are still in for three more days of rain, and the forecast shows a significant chance every day for the next week.  The humidity is through the roof (the local TV weatherman called it “juicy”) and nothing is exempt from the effects of the moist atmosphere.  “People towels” have to be changed after each shower, and the “doggy towels,” well, let’s not even go there.  And yes, Sebastian is still a “leash only” potential runaway, so with each soggy-dog potty trip, there is an equally soggy daddy tagging along.
The rains earlier this week came in straight-line downpours that were reminiscent of Southeast Asian monsoons, and providing you could stay indoors, it was actually pleasantly relaxing, but the past few days have been peppered with thunderstorms.  My Bubba, Sebastian, is one of those dogs that is terrorized by the crack and rumble of thunder.  I have spent numerous hours holding him while he quakes uncontrollably, oh, and note the date, fireworks are in the same frightening noise category.  The Fourth was pretty much a wash out, but Friday night cleared up around dusk so that every yahoo who had enough gas to drive across the South Carolina border had the opportunity to explode their contraband pyrotechnics.  I sat for hours holding an inconsolable doggy.
All of this during the time that my wife, Shirle, is visiting her daughters down in Florida.  I think she has this pretty well timed; she is due to fly back on Thursday, which only has a 30% chance of rain and hopefully starts a period of drier weather.  It is hard enough for me to take on the onus of solo household duties while working full time, but the added issues with the weather and dogs has left me needing a vacation (ha, like that will ever happen).  But she will be back soon and life will resume its normality.  I am looking forward to getting in the truck and going to town without taking Betsy and Sebastian with me.  Bubba can’t stay home with the threat of a thunderstorm, and that limits my in-store time to a quick dash leaving the dogs in the truck.  If there has been anything good about all of this rain is that the sun has been obscured, and the temperature has been cool making my few shopping trips rather tolerable for my stowaways. 
Meanwhile, work has been relatively light which fortuitously gave me the time to rebuild the server on my network.  My four months of computer issues seems like it has come to an end.  I am working from my desk on a full size keyboard and 23” display; I am so weary of the laptop routine.  It is not like the weather has been beautiful and I've been working outside on the deck.  Instead I've been rotating on a carousel of a recliner in the loft, to the living room sofa, to the kitchen table, to my desk already over-crowded with the peripherals of the malfunctioning computer.  Each stop has a somewhat limited duration of comfort and tolerance.

Enough of these silly ramblings, I should take the dogs out before those clouds decide to water my garden again.